White: Regrets
by Keax
Summary: [yaoi, one shot, RuHana] Rukawa regrets his own fear of rejection during the redhead's wedding, after Sakuragi's death. Based on a true life account, for RuHana Day 2002.


**WHITE: REGRETS**

Based on a true life account; For RuHana Day 2002; For **the Kookies**, **Freb**-nee, **Lanie**-chan, **Yoshi**-aniki, **Ice**-chan, **Fila**, **Jigs**, **Yureko**, **Sylph**, **Nikki**, **Nanami**-nee, **Hikaru**-senpai, **Koyasu**-neechan, **Kizuki**-ototo, **Glacier**-neechan, **Kuro-neko** imouto-chan, **Wowie** 'neki, **Jan**-neechan, **OrOoo**-neechan, **Iko**-jie, **Ghostwriter**-neechan and **Kyo**-neechan

* * *

The soft breeze swept lightly across the quilt of light grass. Rukawa Kaede sat motionlessly on the cold stone bench, staring up at the time-honored and stately church. He was alone, atop this small hill where a lone white church stood. He was here, to attend the funeral of his best friend. His loved one, Sakuragi Hanamichi. The solemn and sorrowful ceremony was held a few hours ago. And now, everyone had left, save him. He strode slowly and carefully into the church of memories. He walked past the long rows of benches and slightly cracked windows before reaching the altar of this same church, which witnessed both Sakuragi's pristine wedding and grief-stricken funeral. Rukawa brushed the dust of various objects near his touch. Backing and sitting down onto a creaky bench, images from the past forcefully occupied his mind.

* * *

FLASHBACK

"Are you even planning to open your mouth and utter your confessions to Hanamichi at all?" Mitsui asked irritably. "Hello? We've been giving you our full support ever since you accidentally, well, maybe not that unintentionally, told Aya-chan about your interest, or love, whatever, for Hanamichi." Miyagi grumbled. Rukawa ignored the deliberate attempts to get him to talk to Sakuragi. "Soon. The chance will come."

END OF FLASHBACK

KAEDE RUKAWA:

Sakuragi was my best friend. I didn't want to lose a friend. That was the excuse I gave everyone and myself initially. But in the end, I know better. I am just an insufferable coward. I couldn't find the guts to tell Sakuragi. Why should I be afraid of rejection? As compared to Sakuragi and Miyagi's past failures, one is not going to send me sinking Titanic-style into the deepest ends of depression or hurt. But still, I was afraid, haunted by the fear that he would not accept my love. Was I wrong?

* * *

FLASHBACK

"Hey, congrats, Hanamichi! Who would have thought you'd be the first of us all to get married?" Mitsui joked merrily. Ayako and Haruko was talking to the bride who was radiating happiness, in her white bridal gown, as she stood proudly beside her husband-to-be. Rukawa stood aside, deep in thought, otherwise, to put it crudely, in a supposed permanent daze. He was lost, in this nightmare of marriage bliss and his emotional demise.

"Kaede? You okay there?" Rukawa blinked awake as a familiar laughing voice knocked him back to reality. "I'm fine. Congratulations, 'aho." Rukawa muttered almost reluctantly. It was not known whether Sakuragi noticed as he grinned good-naturedly. Rukawa did not know what to say. The inner struggle in him was getting almost unbearable. All his mental pain taunted at him cruelly and mercilessly as the heavens above mocked him for his folly. Perhaps, he would be granted a last opportunity. "Do you have anything to say to me?" Sakuragi added hesitantly, suddenly. "Yes! I love you Hana, so just ditch this girl and we'll be together forever!" Rukawa forced back these words. Convinced that all was lost, he muttered, "No."

"… I see. Well. I've got to go see to the other guests. Excuse me." Sakuragi hurried away before Rukawa could do anything.

The church bells clanged joyfully as the pastor declared the couple husband and wife. Rukawa was long gone before Sakuragi and his wife left the aisle.

Three months later, Rukawa was woken up loudly one misty morning by the angry ringing of his phone, which was insisting for his attention. What he heard next make him crawl back into the sheets and cry brokenly like he had never done before.

At the funeral, Sakuragi's wife, Hatsuko, sobbed quietly, as the pastor droned on and on. The same crowd who were present at the wedding gathered yet again. Rukawa sat alone, on the very last bench at the back. He looked up, as Hatsuko abruptly stood up. Managing a weak smile, she addressed everyone, "Hanamichi wanted me to fulfill his very last wish. And that is to read out his diary. In it, are entries that mean a lot to him. He has confessed to me about the truth. I have accepted it, and out of love for my husband, I would hence take this chance to read out his diary's contents." Rukawa kept silent, gazing piercingly at Hatsuko who bravely continued, while struggling to hold back tears.

'Dear Diary, today's my wedding day with Hatsuko. Everything went really smoothly and Hatsuko looked really happy. I met Kaede. He came. Why? I invited him, thus he came. I am so stupid. I actually asked him whether he had anything to say to me before I step onto the aisle. What was I expecting? That baka kitsune to go down on his knees and beg me tearfully to break off the whole thing? He said no, and I left, giving an excuse I don't even remember myself. I guessed the harsh disappointment was too hard for me to take in front of him. I'm such an 'aho.'

Rukawa swallowed, suddenly feeling uptight and wary. Hatsuko smiled slightly as she flipped the page quickly. 'Dear Diary, I can't lie or deny this. But I wouldn't say it to anyone. I'm really happy with Hatsuko. She's a perfect wife. But I don't love her.' Soft gasps and whispers erupted at these words, exhibiting disbelief and shock. Rukawa waited tentatively. Ayako, Miyagi and Mitsui turned back to raise their eyebrows at him. He ignored them pointedly.

'I don't love Hatsuko. I don't love my wife. Why did I marry her then? I'm despicable. Have I been using her to fulfill my need for love? What crap. I'm just a coward, a coward with too much pride. I didn't want to be rejected again. And I wasn't sure. I guess I could write it down. I can't say it out loud. He hasn't been showing anything. But, I love you, Rukawa Kaede.'

Rukawa felt scorching heat flowing thorough his entire body as everyone directed sharp gazes towards the man whom Sakuragi had actually loved. He struggled hard to restrain the blush that was threatening to emerge.

'I have no guts to tell him face-to-face. Now that I've confessed, I hope someday he would know that I love him.' Hatsuko closed the diary. She walked calmly towards Rukawa. She was glowing with happiness as she said, "I have finally done something really important for Hanamichi. That's enough, and I'm content. And this, is a gift to you." She extended Sakuragi's diary to Rukawa who took it after a moment's hesitation.

END OF FLASHBACK

KAEDE RUKAWA:

No, Hana, I'm the one with no courage. We could have been together forever. I thwarted it all. Be peaceful in Heaven, now that I finally understand. Regrets aside, I hope you are safe now. We'll see each other again, in a few decades from now. But from this point on, I'll live for you too.

* * *

Rukawa blinked and squinted in the bright sunlight as he stepped out once again, of the dim, old church. A small smile lit his face up. Making his way down the hill home, clutching Sakuragi's precious diary, he whispered, "I love you, Hana." 


End file.
